i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
How's work?
Spinning.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Randomize
