well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
