I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
