I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I won't apologize to a one balled man
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
