you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
