Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
