i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
