i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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