When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
