In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
