so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
