Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
