Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize