My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
