So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
