just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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