Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
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