Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize