I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I am spending my child support on dildos
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
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