After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
