no one should ever give us hovercrafts
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
