Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Vodka?
Forever.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
