I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
