I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
