On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
