I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
