you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize