I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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