I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
