I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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