have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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