Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
