dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
