Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
In other news, I just burned my penis
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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