Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
ok first of all what the fuck
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
