You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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