dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
