The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
