Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
