Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
