I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
