I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
