I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
