conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
