I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
