the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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