glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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