Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
