glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
even my farts smell like vagina
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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