Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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