I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
