ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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