someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
