And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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