I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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