fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
