you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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