yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
