im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I checked into jail on foursquare
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
