I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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